wow und fluttert

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What is your favorite scent or smell and why? 
Submitted by Nebraska Plates.

I still love the smell of my boyfriend's back but over the past two years (more or less), I have discovered that his armpit (or deodorant) is the best place for me to hide my head and sniff. The image of it is a bit sick, but I do it anyway. He smells nice there. Like how other people sniff vanilla and is reminded of their mother's baking, his scent feeds me plenty blissful memories of our nearly-two year relationship :)

It's already been a year since our last new year sitting at Leo's sipping our mocha while the friendly uncles around us cheered with their fingers and lips wrapped around green bottles of drunkenness. My new year's eve were always dull memories of distant fireworks but this year saw no explosions, just numbers counted backwards and then silence. My left hand clutching a soaking wet baju kurung, my right a hard foamy brush.

I have few resolutions. Obviously, I would like to do well here and take things more seriously. But my number one priority despite everything great that's been given to me here is to see Mother Heroic, Bjork, live in Jakarta. A hard dream to grab on to without a reliable internet access, I am jittery most nights, afraid that this might not happen.

I'm turning 21 in about ten months. Heh. I miss everyone and every little thing in KL, but no sweat, I'll be fine.

People kept offering me beer last night as a going away gift, but I would've liked something better, like.. A free diploma certificate, for instance. The beers offered and chugged didn't do a thing for me. I was anxious and hungry. I was sad to see some people leave early, because I barely get to see them when I'm here, and I might not see them again at all in the next few months, even if I come back on weekends. It is simultaneously a big deal and not one at all. Some people I respected were proud of me even if the stink of beer polluted their air whenever I talked. I loved Men's reaction. As I said goodbye while MUZE was playing, he typed on his cellphone like he was busy SMS-ing, showed me the tiny screen and on it was, "Good luck!" and he showed me a peace sign with a wide smile.

I've finally finished packing and getting my shit together. I feel odd just thinking about living with two or three other people in a strange room, sleeping in bunk beds with strangers in an unfamiliar dark room. It feels like I'm moving, but not really? I feel bad leaving all my books and CDs and clothes and sewing machine here in Subang, and especially my mp3 collection left here along with my laptop. I'm going off to a place only two hours away, but damn this sucks.

Anyway, I'm leaving in an hour. I'm sure I'll miss so many little things about this place and not seeing Rafiki every other night. I think I'll miss Mum's gentle massages as well.

I wanted to get pretty fucking hammered on my last night out partying, and I guess I've accomplished that. It was a fun Friday night but right after that I made a solemn pact to myself to avoid any type of alcohol for awhile. But I went home last night tipsy and wanting to make out with someone. I did not. As soon as I reached my bed, I watched some nasty videos and went to bed. The sun was rising then. I live a very unexciting life, although walking around with Tina and Angah pretty much made my Sunday.

I would like to share what's bothering me right now. As the photo shows, either I have lost a lot of waist or my pants have magically grown from a size six to a size ten (eight?). I showed the photo to Tina and gave her this theory and she said, "tak lah, you memang dah kurus. Tetek you pun dah kecil." I was flattered that she noticed my shrinking breasts. But I think it might be true, I am all bones. I need a proper meal reminder, someone or something to remind me when to eat or to eat at all. I went to see Smek and Zamir at The Loft on Friday night on an empty stomach, got trashed and I don't think that's good for my body.

On a different note, I am leaving this Sunday but I am not at all prepared. I haven't even paid the registration fee, or renewed my ID, or collect my SPM certificate, or done my medical checkup. I fail.

I am ten days away from oblivion. I can't say that I am ready. I am planning my weekends, stumbling on to colourful pixelated digital papers. I am so unprepared to be leaving my room, the rectangular box where I do not need to get out of bed to entertain myself. I am still scouting street kittens to take home with me.

There is always an alarming response to realising the decreasing days, but they fade after a minuscule distraction. They always revisit, haunt me; to remind me that I must face this, it won't be so bad. Of course it won't. I think.

I will be having one hell of an awkward new year.

You are standing at the back of the room talking to him like you are the one he's not paying attention to. My heart grew soft as I caught the intensity in your eyes and I keep staring at you, feeling like I have my very own personal guardian, someone to look after me when I am feeling a bit too timid. Still timid but putting on a nonchalant face, I suck on the white stick of smoke, exhale. Light projects itself on your imperfections, and while you walk towards me your lips moving saying misinterpretations, I keep looking at the lights reflected on you and in less than a minute you are out the door.

You are out the door and I am not able to recall the movements of my body or the green empty land my thoughts drove past. Slim pink sticks with round plastic edges, I sit in my yellow dress and tapped the pink sticks on a rainbow of lightning rods; aware that lightning could be rearranged but not noticing the shrill out of tune thunder hissing dejectedly under the pink sticks. I am lost and almost unadaptable. Rotating the sound machines as I sit with my legs folded neatly underneath me, the clack!, the ting!, the xing! the thud!, the chjchjchj!, the footsteps, the 80's child, the pleas of luck echo through the room but I want more echoes, I want a reverb, a delay, more eerie thundering echos.

There is a mixture of scents of clanging and humming in the air as I drown in the ear vibrators, fighting against the currant but with not enough volume. He walks through the door with no light reflecting itself on him, but with a limp grey snake cuddling in his palms. He fed the wire into its home and rotating again, the clack!, the ting!, the xing!, the thud!, the chjchjchj!, the footsteps, the 80's child, the pleas of luck, echo merrily into the wooden space; the way my recipe says it should be. I am looking at you again and you are smiling in satisfaction of the delicacy we have successfully baked together, rainbow lights splashing itself onto your skin, your fabric, the kitchen. You are the imagery of bliss.

I haven't had anything to eat for two days (I only had a simple Beef Chili Cheese Fries on Sunday for lunch). Being upset makes me forget about things like food or water, but somehow I still remember to smoke a pack of cigarettes a day (but I'm out of cigarettes anyway). I'm not hungry, really, but I think I will be in a few hours. I hate feeling this way, like I'm waiting for something to happen. I just want to press on the fast forward button and see for myself if things will be the same again. I doubt it, but I'm trying my best to stay positive.

Today is an overall good day. I got a new pair of jeans (supposedly for UiTM, but it's fit is not according to the guidelines). I hung out with Kak Rona whom I just saw last week but we didn't get a chance to hang out properly. Well, today we did and I got a day's dosage of her sexy voice. Despite Zeue's skipped drum beats, I still think that they are a very promising band. I am a fan already (Pass This On!!). As Suara Anak Muda was playing, Tina, Kak Rona and myself stood at the back and eventually held a two-way mosh (me and Tina). Tina is hilarious. I totally love that Sipot. Akta Angkasa was fucking ace, as always. And Spartak.. Well, I really did not expect that level of awesomeness. My eyes were glued to the drum sticks. I think that made my eyes bulge, which would look ridiculously ugly on photos, but I couldn't help it.

So it's an overall good day. Except for the ending, where my heart kind of shattered a bit.

My head hurts.

I'm taking a day off today because of the nice weather. I can't recall the last time the empty land behind my room has looked so damp and green under heavy bright clouds. It's serene. I woke up cold and shivering, pulled up my blanket and as I caught a glimpse out the window, yelled at my mother not to bother me, I'm taking a day off to accompany my warm bed. It's funny, I never used to know how to appreciate days like this until we started getting attacked daily by the noisy sunlight. Rain in the morning is the best kind of weather for me. Good sleep and good dreams, whereas rain in the evening is always a hassle because you won't be able to go out. I just feel like taking things slow today, not rushing anything at all. I feel like doing nice things today. I think I'm going to feed the neighbour's dog.